A Matrimonial Manifesto

Conceptual evaluation of human nature and bonding requires us to find a partner,Get down on one knee and prepare ourselves for the debacle of life imprisonment.Shocking isn’t' it? But the truth, at the end of the day is that that’s exactly How human nature and bonding works and there is no other way round it. My best friend will be engaged soon and might get hitched even sooner. I wish to congratulate him and wish him all the very best for his future.
While discussing on this topic with him, I decided I’d write an article to highlight Indian sense of human nature and human bonding and the art of bringing two souls together. Once in a book called alchemist I read that “if one desires then the whole universe works for him to make it happen”. With Indian arranged marriages it’s a little different, it is perceived that, ”If one is single then the whole universe conspires to pair that single and make it happen.”

The conceptual evaluation also shows us that when a girl in India is over 25(average age - taken statistically purely out of my imagination, right when they become hotties) and a boy (who no longer is a boy and wants to hump any lamp-post on the way, as his hormones are raging) turns over 25(again statistical figure, although with few unfortunate cases the terror might strike as low as 21), their parent who had no worries at all are swamped by most friendliest relatives, who are never heard of before and who think that the boy or the girl is just fit and should to be tied into a knot of life term, why? Because if left alone unpaired, the kids might just wander and become a jehadi militant fighting to free urakistan from the mighty cluthes of Darth Vader who serves sauron, who has the ring that controls all other rings, the ring which has only psychedelic effects on hobbits who walked middle earth, but might actually devalidate all the senses of the concerned 25 year old kid here... so before anything like this might/tend to happen, the most appropriate thing is to accept otherwise, that yes he/she has to be tied down.

SO, lets view from the First level how this match-making universe works, As I heard, it is that the boy goes to see the girl at the girls house with his whole Brady bunch. The girl is presented/shown/highlighted; please choose accordingly so as not to get offended. The verbal bonding at this level between the concerned couple is not allowed in various parts in India. Why? Well the truth is many old traditional Indian mythologies have given us enough proof of girls getting pregnant or all parents getting paranoid, just by utterance of one word or more from the young ones.
A famous song goes, “and.. There is a time for every purpose under heaven”, and here silence is there for a purpose, which will be clear in heaven. Moreover one should not reveal all the talents and eggs in the basket in one shot, So to sum it all, the unspoken tradition still continues i guess. It is after the first look that the male’s side/ the male himself (i.e. if the male is unorthodox or stupid enough or desperate enough or just mature enough to understand how important verbal interaction is, which by the way will become a big issue of gossip for all relatives later) asks permission to take the girl out. As mentioned before if the male demands a verbal interaction then there are consequences, this might actually be broadcasted on E! Entertainment television and all relatives shall have a word or so to say… One famous quote goes like "Did you see, the boy thinks our girl is just not good looking enough, he wants to test her otherwise", where actually it might be other wise. The boy likes the girl so much that he wants to have a word. The other way round if the girl demands a conversation then you have a bigger situation in hands, these situations are never talked about and the proposal/meeting might just be adjourned. Funny, look how still the true love surpasses all unspoken dimensions. The Indian terms of endearment are just so exciting.

Fact: well now a days people are trying put aside traditional difference and let the girl and the boy have a word or so, but they make sure there are at least 5 people sitting and staring at them like a surveillance camera shifting at every angle with every movement of the concerned couple. Of course it is a must, as one has to watch the words, our mythologies are still big proof of what might happen.


Second Level, the meeting where the boy is allowed to take the girl out. Sometimes if he is really lucky like in most cases, he gets to take all out, i.e. the girls’ parents (for a ‘just in case’ situation), boy’s parents (for a ‘just on case’ situation), girl’s friends/siblings (for moral support) & boy’s friends/siblings (in case girls friends/siblings get bored). For a situation mentioned above there are two tables booked in a hotel where the young couple sits in one table and the rest of Nazi party sits on the other, thus the debacle starts either ways.
Fact: The young couple in many parts in India is allowed to go on a date alone to have a word or two… ok sometimes three.

Now that the young couple is all set with possible Nazis on next table (which is
Optional in many cases now a days), they are free to discuss whatever they want to, like the weather, the hotel’s lighting, neon signs, forks, spoons, table cloth, hotel mosaic tiles, her dress, his dress, her smile, his smile, what should be ordered and eaten and mainly how golden the silence is and who will shatters it first.. Etc. After speaking to many such experienced young enthusiasts, I came to know that the initial conversation is just mindless hopscotch, like... while discussing the silver shine of the spoons and authentic Picasso beauty of totally scratched hotel china, they are mentally framing how to bring out the ugly stuff (why ugly? Because when the concerned parents agree to present their flawless prodigies, like a good-marketed product only good stuff is advertised. The real under the carpet stuff is all hidden). Coming back to the couple, the Key about the conversations is that one can never be sure of the other person’s reaction, because there are rarely any on both sides except big huge smiles. Now one has to be really careful while bring out the ugly stuff. Like if the boy likes the girl and wants to tell her that he smokes/drinks, he has to anticipate her reaction. Like in one case in Bihar the boy tells the girl he drinks socially, and the girl just gets up and walks across to our dear social Nazis on next table, and declared that a social union between the two is not possible at all, as the concerned person is just not what was propagated, this did come as a shock to all members of the boy’s side as they were unaware of his unusual socially high spirits. So if something like this happens to you, know immediately that the girl/boy is just not right for you, others in our big Nazi foundation may put it otherwise “the concerned kind is just the right one to save you from this high spirited society”, either ways, I have been told its just not right… I trust them.
One can also imagine the future from these conversations; a recently engaged young guy gave a glimpse of it. When the boy and the girl met for the second time without the Nazi association, the boy informed the girl of his socially high-spirited drinking habits (as well as about his nicotine intake chart). The girl (really sensible) smiled and replied, “I guess that’s ok, more over, your kind of work you meet lots of people, and there might be compulsion.”
The smart kid, who confessed his sins, was just not ready to give up, he continued. ”Well believe me there is no compulsion, I do, what I want (here notice, he wants to tell the girl, he the king of hill), its just that when I am happy I drink.”
Oops, what can anybody possibly reply after this, but the sensible girl replied, “shouldn’t it be other way when people are depressed they drink.”
“Well, its just opposite with me”, the boy smiled.
Now as you have been a vigilant observer in this conversation.. Look behind words that can give a future look at the marriage…
If the boy comes home drunk everyday, oh man what a happy married life they might have. If the girl wants to know if her husband is in happy mood that day, all she has to do is offer him a drink, any refusal on his part means his mental unhappiness and for sure the marriage is going down the drain and no amount of alcohol was responsible for it. That’s a real shame. Look what alcohol does to the society and marriage.
Well insightful are the first initial words which the young couple utters, so I suggest one to take a recording artist and few mics to record cherish and psycho-analyze the whole initial conversations, just to know a better outcome of marriage.

Third Level: is where the Geneva conventions are all over and peace is declared. Both the girl and the boy agree to unite and the SMS, MMS and phone conversations start. This is a critical period, there is so much to talk about that one doesn’t know where to start, so it is suggested that everyone should pick up books like “what to say after you say hello”. After that, one has to learn the most common lingo terms used when the conversation start dying because of lack of substance or simply a boring partner, few go like………
“So what’s up?”, “Hmmm that’s interesting”, “so.. What else?”, “Tell me more..”, “is it so?”, “how come?”, “oh really!!!”, then the exceptional “what?”, and the universal “Hello.. Hello.. the signal is really bad, I cant hear you, I will call you in one hour.” It can be said anywhere mobile or landline, just don’t use it too often.
The whole point at this level is to tell every goddamn thing that ever happened, is happening and might happen since you were born, so that no new surprise might kill your fiancée in future, like a possibility of you joining a rock band and getting tattooed all over body to look like anaconda, or becoming a band aid to band called “unholy testicles” and run away, or you joining aghoris in Himalayas for 5 years after marriage to strengthen your sexual powers as you have no belief in the condom manufacturers, or lastly to declare you are a reincarnation of radha, dance, cross-dress and make out with a tree.
The bottom line is that during this stage I have been informed that one is to just talk, talk and talk.

Fourth Level: Right when you think the Nazi party is eliminated from the scene, they come back with a bang and a thousand other members conducting engagements, marriages, etc. one has no chance of missing any action here, its said that it either a comedy of errors or a wonderfully managed debacle. Either ways they are the one to make things happen and pay for the thing that will happen.


In conclusion, No matter who says what, who is shown to whom and who is seen by whom. The thing boils down to one and only point that of human bonding. The concept is simple that we humans are always seen in pairs, and those who are not paired are to be paired. In this huge effort to pair the whole human kind, each society has developed many means to meet the end. It doesn’t mean people are being forced to pair up at gun point (yes in Bihar/Taliban it might be happen but rest of the world is still safe), the key here is that no body can be forced; it is a free will of each individual that he or she subconsciously decides and says ok I’ll pair up. I guess that’s exactly what I am seeing around me.